Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
I don't understand
Well, nobody has heard from you since you called to ask your grandparents to bring you your clothes. They agreed to do so. But you never called or showed up the following morning as planned. I still don't understand how you can continue to do this.
We hear through the rumor mill that "some guy from Florida picked her up and took her back to Jacksonville." But we can't even confirm that.
Where ever you are, I hope you are alive and well, taking care of yourself and staying out of trouble.
Love,
Mom
We hear through the rumor mill that "some guy from Florida picked her up and took her back to Jacksonville." But we can't even confirm that.
Where ever you are, I hope you are alive and well, taking care of yourself and staying out of trouble.
Love,
Mom
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I'm so angry
Dear Nicole,
Last week, you emotionally terrorized me. You called your little sister to wish her a happy birthday, only to emotionally abuse her too. Then as if that wasn't enough, you felt the need to do the same to Grandma and called her. But that wasn't enough either; you had to call Grandpa and completely devastate him.
One of the strongest men I've ever known had a complete meltdown today. Your grandfather is not eating. He's not talking. He broke down this morning and cried. No, he didn't just cry; he sobbed. And I don't know if that is even a strong enough verb!
WHY do you feel the need to continue to hurt and abuse your family like this?!? Why did you feel the need to call Grandpa just to verbally and emotionally drive a dagger into his heart? It's one thing to accuse your mother of every lie in your imagination and blame me for all the natural consequences of your behaviors. It's one thing to expect me to enable you to continue those behaviors and to stop-drop-and-roll to your every whim and desire.
But your grandparents?!?
I understand that it's common for an addict to displace blame everywhere but on their addiction. I understand that it's common for an addict to suffer so much guilt, anger and pain that they lash out at others. It's allegedly all part of the addiction. But that doesn't make it right! It doesn't make it humane! And it sure as heck, doesn't make it tolerable!
I'm sick and tired of the drama and being hurt by your behaviors. I'm sick and tired of seeing all the people who love you most being used, abused, and terrorized. I'm angry. I'm livid! And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired about all of this!
How long will it take until you realize that you are not guilting us into submission to you; you're only burning your bridges and further isolating yourself from the only true support system you have. And the last of your bridges are burning down fast.
We can't help you anymore Nicole! I have offered to pay for treatment. I've even offered to drive down to pick you up and deliver you to a program. But you don't want help. You only want someone to support your addiction and then thank you for the opportunity to do so. And that's simply NOT going to happen.
Stop calling your sisters. They are no longer allowed to answer the phone. Stop calling your grandparents. They don't need your abuse. And stop calling me until you are honestly ready to change your life and can talk to me respectfully, without the lies, threats and irrational demands because we've all had enough!
Last week, you emotionally terrorized me. You called your little sister to wish her a happy birthday, only to emotionally abuse her too. Then as if that wasn't enough, you felt the need to do the same to Grandma and called her. But that wasn't enough either; you had to call Grandpa and completely devastate him.
One of the strongest men I've ever known had a complete meltdown today. Your grandfather is not eating. He's not talking. He broke down this morning and cried. No, he didn't just cry; he sobbed. And I don't know if that is even a strong enough verb!
WHY do you feel the need to continue to hurt and abuse your family like this?!? Why did you feel the need to call Grandpa just to verbally and emotionally drive a dagger into his heart? It's one thing to accuse your mother of every lie in your imagination and blame me for all the natural consequences of your behaviors. It's one thing to expect me to enable you to continue those behaviors and to stop-drop-and-roll to your every whim and desire.
But your grandparents?!?
I understand that it's common for an addict to displace blame everywhere but on their addiction. I understand that it's common for an addict to suffer so much guilt, anger and pain that they lash out at others. It's allegedly all part of the addiction. But that doesn't make it right! It doesn't make it humane! And it sure as heck, doesn't make it tolerable!
I'm sick and tired of the drama and being hurt by your behaviors. I'm sick and tired of seeing all the people who love you most being used, abused, and terrorized. I'm angry. I'm livid! And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired about all of this!
How long will it take until you realize that you are not guilting us into submission to you; you're only burning your bridges and further isolating yourself from the only true support system you have. And the last of your bridges are burning down fast.
We can't help you anymore Nicole! I have offered to pay for treatment. I've even offered to drive down to pick you up and deliver you to a program. But you don't want help. You only want someone to support your addiction and then thank you for the opportunity to do so. And that's simply NOT going to happen.
Stop calling your sisters. They are no longer allowed to answer the phone. Stop calling your grandparents. They don't need your abuse. And stop calling me until you are honestly ready to change your life and can talk to me respectfully, without the lies, threats and irrational demands because we've all had enough!
Friday, March 23, 2007
Another call tonight
Seems like the only time I've gotten calls from her in over a year is when she wants something and/or has a new guilt trip to dish out.
She called again tonight to tell me "come get me right now and let me come home!" Again, I can't do that. I'm willing to come get her and take her to a treatment center. But I can't move her "back home." It's bad enough that this decision hurts me so deeply. But it hurts even more to be cussed at, accused of never loving her, accused of somehow causing this mess she's in, and then being threatened because I'm not making the decision SHE wants ME to make.
I tried to explain all this to her. But she seriously is not listening. She states that she wouldn't cuss at me, accuse me of things or otherwise be antisocial if I go get her and "fix" things. She says her behavior is only because of my lack of care and love for her.
I could hear her arguing with someone in the background, being extremely ugly and mean. Then she would turn around and tell me "You know what my friends say about you?? Do you know how embarassing it is that they know you have money, a big house and 5 cars and won't even help your own daughter?"
I don't have 5 cars, a fancy house nor lots of money. But she's still "in it for the show" which again tells me that we can't let her come home. She fussed and fumed at me for calling me everyday for over a week and telling me she needed help and me just ignoring her. I still have no idea where she is at and can't even do a *69 to determine the number from which she is calling, and have only talked to her twice in the past week, when SHE called ME. But it's all my fault again. I know I shouldn't worry about it because I can't change it, but it concerns me what other lies she has told along the way.
After the phone call, I started doubting myself. And the pain was becoming so bad that I began to question whether or not I was making the right decision. When do you know that you won't do more damage than good in helping adult children? When do you know when they are seriously turning their lives around and can help them again? When do you know? How do you know?
I called a drug counselor friend of mine and talked through it. He and his wife both assured me to "stick to the tough love" and that I was doing all the things I needed to do.
But it still hurts. Even hearing her voice cuts like a knife because I know what is coming next...the accusations, the disrespect, the anger and the threats.
I'm growing so old and tired from all this. I'm still praying but often times just sit and pray, "Well, there's Nicole. Do something." I don't even know what or how to pray anymore.
She called again tonight to tell me "come get me right now and let me come home!" Again, I can't do that. I'm willing to come get her and take her to a treatment center. But I can't move her "back home." It's bad enough that this decision hurts me so deeply. But it hurts even more to be cussed at, accused of never loving her, accused of somehow causing this mess she's in, and then being threatened because I'm not making the decision SHE wants ME to make.
I tried to explain all this to her. But she seriously is not listening. She states that she wouldn't cuss at me, accuse me of things or otherwise be antisocial if I go get her and "fix" things. She says her behavior is only because of my lack of care and love for her.
I could hear her arguing with someone in the background, being extremely ugly and mean. Then she would turn around and tell me "You know what my friends say about you?? Do you know how embarassing it is that they know you have money, a big house and 5 cars and won't even help your own daughter?"
I don't have 5 cars, a fancy house nor lots of money. But she's still "in it for the show" which again tells me that we can't let her come home. She fussed and fumed at me for calling me everyday for over a week and telling me she needed help and me just ignoring her. I still have no idea where she is at and can't even do a *69 to determine the number from which she is calling, and have only talked to her twice in the past week, when SHE called ME. But it's all my fault again. I know I shouldn't worry about it because I can't change it, but it concerns me what other lies she has told along the way.
After the phone call, I started doubting myself. And the pain was becoming so bad that I began to question whether or not I was making the right decision. When do you know that you won't do more damage than good in helping adult children? When do you know when they are seriously turning their lives around and can help them again? When do you know? How do you know?
I called a drug counselor friend of mine and talked through it. He and his wife both assured me to "stick to the tough love" and that I was doing all the things I needed to do.
But it still hurts. Even hearing her voice cuts like a knife because I know what is coming next...the accusations, the disrespect, the anger and the threats.
I'm growing so old and tired from all this. I'm still praying but often times just sit and pray, "Well, there's Nicole. Do something." I don't even know what or how to pray anymore.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
On the edge of hope....
Sunday night you called in tears asking for help. As much as I wanted to tell you to come on home, I knew it was not the best thing to do. I know you need treatment before you can ever return home. But for one night, the first time in a long while, I slept through the night peacefully. I felt that during this conversation you were the most honest with me that you've been in over a year.
It breaks my heart to hear you so broken. But at the same time, it's an answer to prayer because you have stood up and actually admitted that you have a problem. That's a tremendously big step! And for the first time in over a year, when you started cussing and screaming, when I asked you to stop, you did. And you apologized.
And for the first time in over a year, when I said "I love you, and I do care" you didn't correct me with "NO, you don't, or you would..."
I know it's hard for you to understand right now why I feel you need treatment more than you need home. But the best help I can give you is to help you help yourself. You have to work on YOU, and YOU are the only one who can do that. And many times that is much easier and healthier to do in a different environment where there is no history, no distractions and no old friends. Being in an environment with other young women who are starting over will help you build new friendships and a new support system.
I was shocked when you told me that you had been hiding from me because you didn't want me to know what you were doing, and that I wouldn't want to know that and who you had become, and further shocked by your insistence that I did not know "who" you were, when you finally screamed at me, "MOM! Do you not understand that I am hiding from you so that you won't find out that your daughter has become a drug addict?!?" Yes baby, I do know. And I have known. I was shocked that you would think that you could hide this or that I never saw the changes and symptoms. I can almost tell you down to the month when you started, and which drugs you played with before finding your drug of choice. Baby, you need to understand that addiction is something that doesn't hide from others; it only seems to hide from an addict's own reality. That's why I asked so many times, "Let us get you some help....What are you doing, how often are you doing it, how much are you doing?" Your denial didn't change what I was seeing. I never asked "Are you doing it?" I already knew the answer to that question. And regardless of what you might think, I loved you still.
I haven't heard from you since the call Sunday night to know if you actually called either of the numbers I gave you. I really hoped that you would call me yesterday and tell me that you were going into one of those programs. I cleared my schedule so I could meet you there to show you that I'm supportive of your decision and proud of you for making it. I had really hoped that you would no longer feel the need to "hide" something that was never really hidden. I had really hoped that you were ready to travel a different road with your life. And I really hoped that you were able to finally see that we love you still.
It breaks my heart to hear you so broken. But at the same time, it's an answer to prayer because you have stood up and actually admitted that you have a problem. That's a tremendously big step! And for the first time in over a year, when you started cussing and screaming, when I asked you to stop, you did. And you apologized.
And for the first time in over a year, when I said "I love you, and I do care" you didn't correct me with "NO, you don't, or you would..."
I know it's hard for you to understand right now why I feel you need treatment more than you need home. But the best help I can give you is to help you help yourself. You have to work on YOU, and YOU are the only one who can do that. And many times that is much easier and healthier to do in a different environment where there is no history, no distractions and no old friends. Being in an environment with other young women who are starting over will help you build new friendships and a new support system.
I was shocked when you told me that you had been hiding from me because you didn't want me to know what you were doing, and that I wouldn't want to know that and who you had become, and further shocked by your insistence that I did not know "who" you were, when you finally screamed at me, "MOM! Do you not understand that I am hiding from you so that you won't find out that your daughter has become a drug addict?!?" Yes baby, I do know. And I have known. I was shocked that you would think that you could hide this or that I never saw the changes and symptoms. I can almost tell you down to the month when you started, and which drugs you played with before finding your drug of choice. Baby, you need to understand that addiction is something that doesn't hide from others; it only seems to hide from an addict's own reality. That's why I asked so many times, "Let us get you some help....What are you doing, how often are you doing it, how much are you doing?" Your denial didn't change what I was seeing. I never asked "Are you doing it?" I already knew the answer to that question. And regardless of what you might think, I loved you still.
I haven't heard from you since the call Sunday night to know if you actually called either of the numbers I gave you. I really hoped that you would call me yesterday and tell me that you were going into one of those programs. I cleared my schedule so I could meet you there to show you that I'm supportive of your decision and proud of you for making it. I had really hoped that you would no longer feel the need to "hide" something that was never really hidden. I had really hoped that you were ready to travel a different road with your life. And I really hoped that you were able to finally see that we love you still.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
She's going to be angry....
Dear Nic,
That's what Grandma said about me keeping a blog, "You know how her pride is, she's going to be angry about you telling the world that she has a problem." Yes, you probably will be. But I'm angry too. I think it's important for you to understand that I can be furious and still love you at the same time. I love you enough to chance you being furious with me. I also think it's important for you to know that you are not only hurting herself but also those around you.
Love,
Mom
The History....
I have a 23 yr old college-educated daughter living on the streets who is homeless, unemployed and in denial after at least a year of meth use. Of course, she denies it. I've heard it all from her....
She lost all that weight so quickly because she set her mind to it. Her complexion looks like death warmed over on a leprosy patient because she works so hard that she can't sleep. She never has any money, can't pay her bills, and has now lost her car not as a consequence of her own behaviors and choices, but because society and God is out to get her. I take that back. The last time she called, she had changed that excuse to claiming that she lost her car because I had hunted her down while she was missing, and hired a repo guy to take her car from her so that she couldn't visit her jailed boyfriend. (Geeez, the power I've had that I never realized!) She was arrested with meth in her car, but of course it wasn't hers; it belonged to her ex-boyfriend.
She went through court-ordered treatment, still denying she had a problem but promising to pay us back for all the thousands of dollars we had to put out to get her from the jail into such treatment, and said that she'd "do anything that it takes to just get through this and come home." But she didn't. She went right back to the same lifestyle and friends, and lost yet several more jobs and her car.
Then she laid around on a friend's couch, calling me with dramatic sobs and wales, swearing she would get it together if I'd just give her the money to get her car back. When I refused to give her money, the threats and guilt started....
Well, if you don't get my car back, then I can't find another job, and you'll have to pay my bills.
Well, if you loved me, you'd spend your money helping me get my car back instead of spending money to send (her little sisters) to (the zoo internship that they've waited 3 yrs to attend).
No, I'm NOT using public transportation! I'm a college grad and will NOT take a bus to look for a job! And I'm NOT going back to work until you get me a car!
You have 3 vehicles in your driveway and only 2 drivers! There's no reason why you can't give me your car! You don't need 3 vehicles! You can drive the truck to work!
I know you've got money in the bank, and you won't even help your own daughter?!? What kind of mother are you??
I guess I should answer that for her since she always hangs up on me before I can explain myself.
Your Music for the Day
Dear Nic,
Well, my dear, I'm a mother who loves you enough to NOT to buy back your car and not to give you cash. I love you enough to repeatedly offer to help you pay for long-term treatment, if you're willing to go. I love you enough to not enable you to stay in the same place you are now. I love you enough to know that you are strong enough and smart enough to know, honestly, how you got into this mess and that you need to leave it. I also love you enough to forgive you for the multiple times over the past few months that you have screamed and cursed at me, hung up on me, and even blamed me for your current situation. I'll probably never hear an apology. But I forgive you. But I will NOT condone your behavior, enable continued such behaviors nor accept accountability for it. I did not cause this anymore than I can cure it.
The only responsibility I can take for this is that I'm still praying for you. A year ago when I asked you point blank if you were drinking and doing meth, you denied it. I knew better. Even your little sisters were questioning if you had changed due to drug abuse. It's not rocket science. The damage that the drugs was doing were all signs. And the signs were all there. The only thing I could do was pray. And I prayed that God would keep you safe and somehow show you the road away from this. After three months of prayer, I got the call that you were in jail. As much as I hated it for you, I felt it was an answer to my prayers. You were not dead in a ditch somewhere; and you were "bopped upside the head" to lead you down a different road. Oh God, how I prayed that this would be all that it would take to see you turn your life around.
But I had to start praying again, but this time even harder, because you returned to that same old road with the same old friends. And suddenly, the all the signs and symptoms were back.
So I prayed for God to please keep you safe and slow you down before something far worse happens to you. After months of hiding and no contact, (yeah, I know this is another sign of addiction) you called, hysterical, because your car had been repossessed. Ok, another answered prayer from God. Surely, this will slow you down, keep you safe, and you'll be ready and willing to start your adulthood over again?
But it doesn't appear so. The excuses, blame and denial are still embedded into your very being. And now you're angry with not only your family, but the entire world, blaming us all for your current life. Well, just for the record, I'm angry too. In fact, I'm furious! I can't sleep at night. I can't concentrate or focus. I'm almost consumed with worry over what will happen to you next. And I'm furious that I can't fix it or stop it. (And no, getting your car won't fix it. Giving you money won't fix it. Only God and YOU can move you past this mess you're in.)
Nic, I'm sorry that you're hurting right now. It takes just a few steps to get off the road you're on. (Step #1: Admit YOU have a problem.) Those first few steps won't be easy. And there will be more steps needed to move you further from the old road and onto a new road to a brighter future. But they're steps that YOU have to take; nobody can take them for you. But you can do it, one step at a time, and one day at a time.
I leave you now with a few thoughts to ponder....
Character isn't inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action. If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains. ~ Helen Douglas
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
~ Buddha
It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away, I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away.
~ Robert M. Pirsig
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown
Things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly. ~Francis Bacon
Love,
Mom
That's what Grandma said about me keeping a blog, "You know how her pride is, she's going to be angry about you telling the world that she has a problem." Yes, you probably will be. But I'm angry too. I think it's important for you to understand that I can be furious and still love you at the same time. I love you enough to chance you being furious with me. I also think it's important for you to know that you are not only hurting herself but also those around you.
Love,
Mom
The History....
I have a 23 yr old college-educated daughter living on the streets who is homeless, unemployed and in denial after at least a year of meth use. Of course, she denies it. I've heard it all from her....
She lost all that weight so quickly because she set her mind to it. Her complexion looks like death warmed over on a leprosy patient because she works so hard that she can't sleep. She never has any money, can't pay her bills, and has now lost her car not as a consequence of her own behaviors and choices, but because society and God is out to get her. I take that back. The last time she called, she had changed that excuse to claiming that she lost her car because I had hunted her down while she was missing, and hired a repo guy to take her car from her so that she couldn't visit her jailed boyfriend. (Geeez, the power I've had that I never realized!) She was arrested with meth in her car, but of course it wasn't hers; it belonged to her ex-boyfriend.
She went through court-ordered treatment, still denying she had a problem but promising to pay us back for all the thousands of dollars we had to put out to get her from the jail into such treatment, and said that she'd "do anything that it takes to just get through this and come home." But she didn't. She went right back to the same lifestyle and friends, and lost yet several more jobs and her car.
Then she laid around on a friend's couch, calling me with dramatic sobs and wales, swearing she would get it together if I'd just give her the money to get her car back. When I refused to give her money, the threats and guilt started....
Well, if you don't get my car back, then I can't find another job, and you'll have to pay my bills.
Well, if you loved me, you'd spend your money helping me get my car back instead of spending money to send (her little sisters) to (the zoo internship that they've waited 3 yrs to attend).
No, I'm NOT using public transportation! I'm a college grad and will NOT take a bus to look for a job! And I'm NOT going back to work until you get me a car!
You have 3 vehicles in your driveway and only 2 drivers! There's no reason why you can't give me your car! You don't need 3 vehicles! You can drive the truck to work!
I know you've got money in the bank, and you won't even help your own daughter?!? What kind of mother are you??
I guess I should answer that for her since she always hangs up on me before I can explain myself.
Your Music for the Day
Dear Nic,
Well, my dear, I'm a mother who loves you enough to NOT to buy back your car and not to give you cash. I love you enough to repeatedly offer to help you pay for long-term treatment, if you're willing to go. I love you enough to not enable you to stay in the same place you are now. I love you enough to know that you are strong enough and smart enough to know, honestly, how you got into this mess and that you need to leave it. I also love you enough to forgive you for the multiple times over the past few months that you have screamed and cursed at me, hung up on me, and even blamed me for your current situation. I'll probably never hear an apology. But I forgive you. But I will NOT condone your behavior, enable continued such behaviors nor accept accountability for it. I did not cause this anymore than I can cure it.
The only responsibility I can take for this is that I'm still praying for you. A year ago when I asked you point blank if you were drinking and doing meth, you denied it. I knew better. Even your little sisters were questioning if you had changed due to drug abuse. It's not rocket science. The damage that the drugs was doing were all signs. And the signs were all there. The only thing I could do was pray. And I prayed that God would keep you safe and somehow show you the road away from this. After three months of prayer, I got the call that you were in jail. As much as I hated it for you, I felt it was an answer to my prayers. You were not dead in a ditch somewhere; and you were "bopped upside the head" to lead you down a different road. Oh God, how I prayed that this would be all that it would take to see you turn your life around.
But I had to start praying again, but this time even harder, because you returned to that same old road with the same old friends. And suddenly, the all the signs and symptoms were back.
So I prayed for God to please keep you safe and slow you down before something far worse happens to you. After months of hiding and no contact, (yeah, I know this is another sign of addiction) you called, hysterical, because your car had been repossessed. Ok, another answered prayer from God. Surely, this will slow you down, keep you safe, and you'll be ready and willing to start your adulthood over again?
But it doesn't appear so. The excuses, blame and denial are still embedded into your very being. And now you're angry with not only your family, but the entire world, blaming us all for your current life. Well, just for the record, I'm angry too. In fact, I'm furious! I can't sleep at night. I can't concentrate or focus. I'm almost consumed with worry over what will happen to you next. And I'm furious that I can't fix it or stop it. (And no, getting your car won't fix it. Giving you money won't fix it. Only God and YOU can move you past this mess you're in.)
Nic, I'm sorry that you're hurting right now. It takes just a few steps to get off the road you're on. (Step #1: Admit YOU have a problem.) Those first few steps won't be easy. And there will be more steps needed to move you further from the old road and onto a new road to a brighter future. But they're steps that YOU have to take; nobody can take them for you. But you can do it, one step at a time, and one day at a time.
I leave you now with a few thoughts to ponder....
Character isn't inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action. If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains. ~ Helen Douglas
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
~ Buddha
It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away, I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away.
~ Robert M. Pirsig
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown
Things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly. ~Francis Bacon
Love,
Mom
Friday, March 9, 2007
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