On the edge of hope....

Sunday night you called in tears asking for help. As much as I wanted to tell you to come on home, I knew it was not the best thing to do. I know you need treatment before you can ever return home. But for one night, the first time in a long while, I slept through the night peacefully. I felt that during this conversation you were the most honest with me that you've been in over a year.

It breaks my heart to hear you so broken. But at the same time, it's an answer to prayer because you have stood up and actually admitted that you have a problem. That's a tremendously big step! And for the first time in over a year, when you started cussing and screaming, when I asked you to stop, you did. And you apologized.

And for the first time in over a year, when I said "I love you, and I do care" you didn't correct me with "NO, you don't, or you would..."

I know it's hard for you to understand right now why I feel you need treatment more than you need home. But the best help I can give you is to help you help yourself. You have to work on YOU, and YOU are the only one who can do that. And many times that is much easier and healthier to do in a different environment where there is no history, no distractions and no old friends. Being in an environment with other young women who are starting over will help you build new friendships and a new support system.

I was shocked when you told me that you had been hiding from me because you didn't want me to know what you were doing, and that I wouldn't want to know that and who you had become, and further shocked by your insistence that I did not know "who" you were, when you finally screamed at me, "MOM! Do you not understand that I am hiding from you so that you won't find out that your daughter has become a drug addict?!?" Yes baby, I do know. And I have known. I was shocked that you would think that you could hide this or that I never saw the changes and symptoms. I can almost tell you down to the month when you started, and which drugs you played with before finding your drug of choice. Baby, you need to understand that addiction is something that doesn't hide from others; it only seems to hide from an addict's own reality. That's why I asked so many times, "Let us get you some help....What are you doing, how often are you doing it, how much are you doing?" Your denial didn't change what I was seeing. I never asked "Are you doing it?" I already knew the answer to that question. And regardless of what you might think, I loved you still.

I haven't heard from you since the call Sunday night to know if you actually called either of the numbers I gave you. I really hoped that you would call me yesterday and tell me that you were going into one of those programs. I cleared my schedule so I could meet you there to show you that I'm supportive of your decision and proud of you for making it. I had really hoped that you would no longer feel the need to "hide" something that was never really hidden. I had really hoped that you were ready to travel a different road with your life. And I really hoped that you were able to finally see that we love you still.