She's going to be angry....

Dear Nic,
That's what Grandma said about me keeping a blog, "You know how her pride is, she's going to be angry about you telling the world that she has a problem." Yes, you probably will be. But I'm angry too. I think it's important for you to understand that I can be furious and still love you at the same time. I love you enough to chance you being furious with me. I also think it's important for you to know that you are not only hurting herself but also those around you.

Love,
Mom

The History....

I have a 23 yr old college-educated daughter living on the streets who is homeless, unemployed and in denial after at least a year of meth use. Of course, she denies it. I've heard it all from her....

She lost all that weight so quickly because she set her mind to it. Her complexion looks like death warmed over on a leprosy patient because she works so hard that she can't sleep. She never has any money, can't pay her bills, and has now lost her car not as a consequence of her own behaviors and choices, but because society and God is out to get her. I take that back. The last time she called, she had changed that excuse to claiming that she lost her car because I had hunted her down while she was missing, and hired a repo guy to take her car from her so that she couldn't visit her jailed boyfriend. (Geeez, the power I've had that I never realized!) She was arrested with meth in her car, but of course it wasn't hers; it belonged to her ex-boyfriend.

She went through court-ordered treatment, still denying she had a problem but promising to pay us back for all the thousands of dollars we had to put out to get her from the jail into such treatment, and said that she'd "do anything that it takes to just get through this and come home." But she didn't. She went right back to the same lifestyle and friends, and lost yet several more jobs and her car.

Then she laid around on a friend's couch, calling me with dramatic sobs and wales, swearing she would get it together if I'd just give her the money to get her car back. When I refused to give her money, the threats and guilt started....

Well, if you don't get my car back, then I can't find another job, and you'll have to pay my bills.

Well, if you loved me, you'd spend your money helping me get my car back instead of spending money to send (her little sisters) to (the zoo internship that they've waited 3 yrs to attend).

No, I'm NOT using public transportation! I'm a college grad and will NOT take a bus to look for a job! And I'm NOT going back to work until you get me a car!

You have 3 vehicles in your driveway and only 2 drivers! There's no reason why you can't give me your car! You don't need 3 vehicles! You can drive the truck to work!

I know you've got money in the bank, and you won't even help your own daughter?!? What kind of mother are you??


I guess I should answer that for her since she always hangs up on me before I can explain myself.

Your Music for the Day

Dear Nic,

Well, my dear, I'm a mother who loves you enough to NOT to buy back your car and not to give you cash. I love you enough to repeatedly offer to help you pay for long-term treatment, if you're willing to go. I love you enough to not enable you to stay in the same place you are now. I love you enough to know that you are strong enough and smart enough to know, honestly, how you got into this mess and that you need to leave it. I also love you enough to forgive you for the multiple times over the past few months that you have screamed and cursed at me, hung up on me, and even blamed me for your current situation. I'll probably never hear an apology. But I forgive you. But I will NOT condone your behavior, enable continued such behaviors nor accept accountability for it. I did not cause this anymore than I can cure it.

The only responsibility I can take for this is that I'm still praying for you. A year ago when I asked you point blank if you were drinking and doing meth, you denied it. I knew better. Even your little sisters were questioning if you had changed due to drug abuse. It's not rocket science. The damage that the drugs was doing were all signs. And the signs were all there. The only thing I could do was pray. And I prayed that God would keep you safe and somehow show you the road away from this. After three months of prayer, I got the call that you were in jail. As much as I hated it for you, I felt it was an answer to my prayers. You were not dead in a ditch somewhere; and you were "bopped upside the head" to lead you down a different road. Oh God, how I prayed that this would be all that it would take to see you turn your life around.

But I had to start praying again, but this time even harder, because you returned to that same old road with the same old friends. And suddenly, the all the signs and symptoms were back.
So I prayed for God to please keep you safe and slow you down before something far worse happens to you. After months of hiding and no contact, (yeah, I know this is another sign of addiction) you called, hysterical, because your car had been repossessed. Ok, another answered prayer from God. Surely, this will slow you down, keep you safe, and you'll be ready and willing to start your adulthood over again?

But it doesn't appear so. The excuses, blame and denial are still embedded into your very being. And now you're angry with not only your family, but the entire world, blaming us all for your current life. Well, just for the record, I'm angry too. In fact, I'm furious! I can't sleep at night. I can't concentrate or focus. I'm almost consumed with worry over what will happen to you next. And I'm furious that I can't fix it or stop it. (And no, getting your car won't fix it. Giving you money won't fix it. Only God and YOU can move you past this mess you're in.)

Nic, I'm sorry that you're hurting right now. It takes just a few steps to get off the road you're on. (Step #1: Admit YOU have a problem.) Those first few steps won't be easy. And there will be more steps needed to move you further from the old road and onto a new road to a brighter future. But they're steps that YOU have to take; nobody can take them for you. But you can do it, one step at a time, and one day at a time.

I leave you now with a few thoughts to ponder....

Character isn't inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action. If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains. ~ Helen Douglas


Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
~ Buddha


It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away, I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away.
~ Robert M. Pirsig

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown

Things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly. ~Francis Bacon

Love,
Mom